12 ways to keep a tech support guy happy

Today's been a really awful day for people stepping on the things that annoy me. If anyone should ever have to call into a tech support call center here are a few things to keep in mind:

1) When calling, do not launch into a 3 paragraph description of your problem right away. First of all we need your basic information to start the ticket. Secondly, we have to type most of this information in the ticket so don't just assume that we are keeping up with you. Instead state your name and a brief description (be more specific than "It doesn't work") of the problem and when we're ready we will ask you to continue.

2) Do not argue with the technician if he asks you to do something you've already done. As the fictional Dr. House likes to say "everybody lies". We are usually required to document in the ticket that we have asked you to do basic troubleshooting steps (rebooting, checking the cables, etc.) before we continue with more advanced steps or sending the ticket to another department. Please just humor the technician and do what he asks. Many times we'll put a new twist on the step that may help fix the problem. Instead of logging out and back in, we may want you to restart. Instead of restarting, we may want you to shut down and disconnect the power for a minute.

3) Follow instructions and don't get ahead of the technician. If we say open Internet Explorer and you open Outlook it gets in the way of us being able to help you. Listen carefully to the technician because we will typically not just fix it for you, we'll need your help. If you don't understand or don't know just ask. We would rather answer a question or explain something than have you lost because you aren't listening. Conversely don't assume that you know what the technician is asking you to do. If you are two screens ahead doing something else that is very irritating

4) (Could possibly be 3A) Don't bullshit us. 99.999% of the time we know more about computers than you. That's not arrogance, that just fact. Why else are we working here and you are calling us? That said, if you don't know something, just say you don't know or ask. We'd rather tell you that the thing you are resting your feet on is your computer tower and not have you tell me that it's the CPU, modem, etc. Another thing is that if you're not sure about something please ask, it really cuts down on wasted time. For example: I personally worked with someone for 10 minutes asking them to do various things with the computer (reboot it, pull the power, etc.). I finally asked what they see on the case. "Uhhh, Hewlett Packard Laserjet" THAT. IS. A. PRINTER!!!!

5) Don't say "I don't know if you can help me" - this is very insulting to us even if you don't mean to be insulting. We are paid to help you, if you call that is what we will do. Even if it's something we don't handle we will let you know where to get help or if it's beyond help

6) Don't ask us why something doesn't/didn't work - Honestly, do you really care that a registry key wasn't set or that an .ini file was corrupted? It's a waste of our time because you'll forget it as soon as I hang up. You called, it didn't work, we looked at it, and now it works. End of story. If we think you need to know why something happened in order to stop you from doing something that is causing the problem, we will let you know.

7) Don't constantly interrupt us and/or freak out. We can take it a few times because we know how stressful computer problems can be but your interruptions/freaking out are distracting us from doing our jobs.

8)If you are told that you will receive a call when your problem is fixed and it HASN'T been more than a day since you called do NOT call back asking for a status update. Calling more often will not fix it any sooner and just pisses us off. For most problem, give it 2-3 days before getting a status update. Consider that you aren't the only one with problems. For example, at the DOC there were about 35000 tickets called in last year. Those 35000 tickets are serviced by 62 people. There are 6 people who take the initial call, 3 people in 2nd level, and no more than 6-8 people in each 3rd level team (Software, desktop, server support, etc.). At any one time they could have 10-100 tickets open per group, each crying out to be worked on.

9) When calling and you need it fixed now or are calling on something that we need to speak to you with (usually password resets) stay on the line until someone answers if you don't have anything else to do. If there's an alternative method of contacting the help desk (e-mail, voicemail) that's fine, but don't be surprised if it's not handled very quickly. Our main responsibilities are taking calls.

10) Do not ask about problems unrelated to what's happening now.. I'm specifically talking about if you are calling the service desk for work, don't ask about problems with your computer at home. Even if we choose to humor you and help, it distracts us from the problem at hand and also keeps us from speaking with other customers who are waiting.

11) If you are put on hold and can't hear music, the tech has muted the microphone. They can still hear you so don't start talking smack.

12) If service desk hours are from 6am - 5pm, here are some times when you may get a tech right away. 6-7am, 8-10:30 am, 1-3 pm. Any other time, coverage will likely be short and you may have to wait. Now of course if you all call at that time it will tie up the lines, but that's just something to keep in mind.

They may seem like nitpicking to some of you out there, but I'm only putting out there to enhance my experience and yours should you ever get me on the phone. Do you think these are justified? Am I an asshole? What would you change? Let me know in the comments. If I'm wrong, I'll gladly admit it.